fanfiction: take the spade from my hands

[evewithanapple.livejournal.com]

Title: take the spade from my hands
Fandom: Twin Peaks
Summary: Maddy writes home to her sister.
Rating: General Audiences
Notes: For aphrodite_mine and the fandomaid  auction. Title from "Thistle and Weeds" by Mumford&Sons

Dear Shannon

Well I never expected to stay in Twin Peaks this long, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving anytime soon. Things are a mess- it’s better than when I first got here, but not by much. I’m staying with Aunt Sarah and Uncle Leland, obviously- you remember them, right? Well they don’t look anything like they did the last time you saw them. It’s like they’ve aged ten years since Laura died. Aunt Sarah seems spaced-out most of the time- the doctor gave her some tranquilizers to help her sleep, and I think she’s been taking them more often than she should. Sometimes when I bring her tea or say goodnight, she calls me “Laura.” I corrected her the first few times, but it upset her so much that I stopped. And Uncle Leland just cries and dances all the time. Remember those Glenn Miller records he played for us when we were kids? All he does now is dance to those. I tried hiding them, but that only seemed to make him cry more. It’s like no matter what I try to do and make it better, it just gets worse and worse.

I have something I need to ask you. Remember when we were in high school, and you’d tell me your boy problems and I’d tell you my girl problems? Well I’ve got girl problems now, and I’ve got them bad. No matter how hard I try, I can’t understand what’s going on in her head. That’s why I’m writing you. You were always better at figuring out this stuff than I was.

So, there’s this girl. Her name’s Donna. She was best friends with Laura when she was alive, and we’re friends- well, we’re more than friends now, but I don’t know quite what to call it. We do the normal stuff that girlfriends do, like watching movies together and going to the diner, but half the time she doesn’t act like there’s anything going on between us. I’d get it if it were a family thing- I mean, everyone here seems really nice, but I don’t know how nice they’d be if they knew we were together- but even when we’re alone, I can never tell if she thinks we’re friends or girlfriends or just- nothing. And then she’ll kiss me, and it’s so nice that I forget all about the other stuff for a while and just enjoy the moment, you know? It’s a relief to get away from people who want to think I’m Laura, but I don’t know what she thinks I am. And I don’t know if that’s better or worse. I feel horrible for thinking this, but it’s all I can think sometimes. I just want someone to see me for me. Is that too much to ask?

It’s not all bad. I wouldn’t be with her if it was- at least, I don't think I would. Like I said, we go to the diner and hold hands under the table, and watch movies and eat popcorn and go for walks. She said she’s going to take me up to this spot where she and Laura used to go for picnics, where you can sit and stare over the whole valley. You know I’m not much of an outdoorswoman, but it sounds fun. And she loves it- whenever we go out walking, she always ends up all red-faced and out of breath, but she’s laughing and she doesn’t seem to mind at all. She looks so pretty when that happens. I wish you could see her. I keep trying to explain to myself why this is happening, how to make sense of all of this- Aunt Sarah, Donna, Laura, everything that’s happening in this town- and that’s what I come back to. Sometimes I think that it’s all wrong, that what they’re thinking- what she’s thinking- isn’t about me at all, and I should run back to Missoula instead of getting in even deeper. But the idea of tearing myself away hurts, and I’m scared to. I don’t want to hurt myself. Maybe I’m a coward. Am I? I just want to be happy.

Anyway, I’m sorry to load all this on you. I just need to talk to someone outside of all this. Write me back as soon as you get this.

Love,
Maddy

Comments

[aphrodite-mine.livejournal.com]

Sorry it's taken me so long to comment! I kind of got buried in derby this past weekend and just now dug myself out.

I love this! The tone is perfect, and the language sounds just like Maddy (in that she's an echo of Laura in a lot of ways). The style works really well for the story you tell.

Thank you!!